Support for parents
We are very sorry for the loss of your baby and the Neonatal Unit would like to extend our sympathy and condolences to you.
We understand that this is an incredibly difficult time, and it may be hard to take in and remember everything. To help, we have prepared some practical information for you to take home and refer to when needed. We hope that this guide will help you through this difficult time.
Emotions
The death of your baby, whether during pregnancy, giving birth or after the birth is a distressing time and can affect you deeply and bring feelings and reactions you may not expect. Feelings of shock and numbness can be followed by feelings of anger, agitation, emptiness and guilt. Everything may seem unreal for a time. These are all normal feelings of grief. Grief is a very individual process and everyone reacts differently; what is important is that you allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve and to come to terms with your loss in whatever way is right for you.
Creating memories
When someone we love dies, we usually have memories we can share. When a baby dies, the memories are only a few. Although you may feel unsure of what to do, many parents say how important the memories of keepsakes are in years to come. You will be able to hold and cuddle your baby and will be offered the opportunity to spend time alone together. Your baby can stay with you for as long as you wish.
Not all women feel ready to do this straight away; it is entirely up to you what you want to do. These are normal feelings and the doctors and nurses caring for your baby will support you. You may want to wash and dress your baby in special clothes and have them wrapped in a blanket. You can use your own or ask the nurse who will be able to provide these for you. You can keep the clothes that your baby wore and take them home if you choose, even if the hospital provided them for you.
Some parents want to have photographs of their baby to keep. If you feel you would like this to happen, speak to the nurse caring for your baby. They can take photographs for you if you prefer, or you may want to ask family/friends to keep them for you until you feel ready to see them.
You can ask to see your baby at any time before they are taken to the mortuary. You may also wish for other members of your family to come and meet your baby, have a cuddle and have photographs taken with them.
It may be possible to create memories of your baby other than photographs, such as foot and handprints, take a lock of your baby’s hair for you and provide you with an identification bracelet. To keep these items safe and together you may wish to create a memory box which can be provided. Please discuss any of this with the nurse that is caring for you and talk about what you would like to happen.
Appearance
Your baby’s skin may be very fragile. After death, your baby’s appearance will change with time; this can be slowed with the use of a cold cot, which we can provide.
Visitors
Some parents want time to be alone, others may feel comforted by the support of family and friends. Your family and friends will be able to visit you and your baby in the private room you are staying in and visiting times will be flexible. Your nurses will support you in doing what feels right for you.
Book of remembrance
On Labour Ward, there is a book of remembrance for all babies who have sadly passed away at Hillingdon Hospital. You can write your own personal message, poem or whatever you feel appropriate for your baby and return to view it whenever you wish.
Going home
When you are ready to go home from the hospital it can be a frightening and painful time, as everything has changed from when you came into hospital. Some women wish to leave as soon as they are medically able to, whereas other women prefer to stay longer. It is usual for your baby to stay in hospital in a dedicated area. Some parents decide that they want to take their baby home or to a special place for a short while. This gives you the chance to spend time with your baby in your own surroundings. It can also be an opportunity for your family and friends to spend time with your baby. Speak to the nurse if this is something you would like to do. We may be able to facilitate viewing at later time by discussing with bereavement team on 01895 279354.
Support groups
Some parents find it helpful to talk to other parents who have also suffered from the loss of their baby. Many people can be affected by a baby’s death, such as siblings, grandparents and other family members and friends. Local support groups and national helplines can offer emotional support and practical help (see below). They will be able to offer support by phone and email. They have friendly and relaxed meetings, which are an opportunity for bereaved parents to meet with others who have been through a similar experience.
Spiritual support
Some parents may want the support of a spiritual/religious leader from their own faith. Most spiritual/religious ceremonies that parents want to perform after their baby has died can easily be accommodated. Hospital chaplains are experienced in providing help and support to bereaved parents of any faith or religion. They can give advice about traditions and rituals associated with when a baby dies. A blessing can be arranged with the hospital chaplain. Alternatively, you can choose your own spiritual/religious advisor to carry out the blessing.
Partner support
The grieving process is different for everyone, and everyone has their own way of managing and expressing their feelings. It’s not unusual to feel frightened and helpless seeing your partner in pain and distress and you may feel you have to be strong and focus on supporting her and ignore the distress you are feeling. It can be very difficult for either parent to support each other when both are experiencing a crisis. Doctors and nurses caring for your baby will be able to offer sensitive support for you and please feel free to ask any questions you have.
Other children
Your decision to tell you child/children will be a very personal one and individual to your circumstances. When talking to young children it is important to use words that they will understand. It is a good idea to explain to other family members, friends, nursery or school. Children can be deeply affected by the death, and it may affect their behaviour for some time. At some stage, most children blame themselves for the death of their baby brother or sister, so explaining the death in terms of ‘it was nobody’s fault’ is very important. A recent study found that the most important things in dealing with a child’s grief included recognising and acknowledging their grief, including the child in family rituals, and keeping the memory of the baby alive in the family.
Formalities (registration of birth and death, funerals)
Once the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD) has been sent to the register office, the bereavement office or medical examiner's office (01895 279354) will contact you to discuss the details on the MCCD and advise you on the next steps, including booking an appointment with the register office to register the death. The death must be registered at register office in the district where the death occurred. Please telephone to make an appointment at 01895 250418 or book online at: https://www.hillingdon.gov.uk/register-a-death. The aim is to register the death within five days from the time the cause of death is discussed with you by the bereavement office or medical examiner’s office. The Hillingdon register office will also provide you with the document necessary to arrange the funeral.
Most parents chose to make their own arrangements for the burial or cremation of their baby. If your baby is born before 24 weeks without signs of life, a funeral is not required by law but can be arranged. If your baby was stillborn after 24 weeks of pregnancy or was born alive at any stage of pregnancy and then died, he or she must, by law, be formally buried or cremated. Before this can take place, the baby’s birth and death or stillbirth must be registered. The hospital bereavement office will guide you through this process.
Although it may seem a bit early to be thinking about this, it might be helpful to know that you will be offered an appointment with your baby’s consultant in about 6-8 weeks’ time. You will have the opportunity to discuss any issues concerning your baby’s death. An appointment will be sent out to you automatically.
Post-mortem examination
Many parents want to know as much as possible about why their baby died during the pregnancy or after birth. A post-mortem is an examination of your baby after he/she has died. They are carried out by doctors who specialise in this field of medicine – they are called pathologists. A post-mortem can provide helpful information such as:
- conditions that might not have been diagnosed during pregnancy
- possibly ruling out causes such as infection or growth restriction
- giving an approximate time of death if your baby died before birth
- indicating if there was a genetic condition, which will influence care in a future pregnancy.
Written consent will be provided from you before the procedure is carried out, unless the coroner has ordered the post-mortem. In this instance your consent does not have to be obtained. The examination will be discussed with you in detail, and you are free to ask questions. As well as talking to you, they will offer written information. This will give you time to decide whether you want to have the post-mortem carried out. This will also give you an opportunity to talk to your family and friends if you want to.
Financial help
During this difficult time, you may be facing financial difficulties due to extra costs. Most funeral directors offer a simple funeral service free of charge, although there may be some costs for additional items or services. If you are on a low income, you may be able to claim The Funeral Expenses Payment from the Social Fund, towards the cost of your baby’s funeral. For more information see http://www.direct.gov.uk/FuneralPayments.
If you are employed and your baby has died, you are entitled to Parental Bereavement Leave. Anyone whose child has died before their 18th birthday is entitled to two weeks of statutory leave for each child that died. This includes parents of children who are stillborn after 24 weeks’ pregnancy.
Postnatal care
Following childbirth, women’s breasts will naturally produce milk. Managing lactation after loss is dependent upon the route that mothers and families choose to take. Some women find this quite distressing, as it is a reminder that they do not have a baby to feed. The production of milk usually lasts two to three days and may be uncomfortable. Your midwife/GP may offer you medication to reduce milk production. You can also do certain things to help with the discomfort such as wear a supportive bra and sleep with it on and you may wish to take some painkillers such as Paracetamol. Some women may experience some leakage (using breast pads will help). Don’t try and express any milk; your body will respond by making more. Eat and drink normally and don’t reduce fluid intake.
If you prefer to continue expressing and wish to donate your milk, please discuss this with your nurse/midwife who will be able to guide you.
You may find it difficult to sleep despite the fact you feel exhausted. This is a common experience for many bereaved parents following the death of their baby. Speak to your GP for advice.
Support
Hillingdon Hospital Bereavement Team
01895 279354
Bereavement midwife
07929 797511
SANDS – Stillbirth and Neonatal Death
0808 164 3332
Child Bereavement UK
0800 0288840
www.childbereavement.org
Tommy’s
www.tommys.org
TAMBA – Twins and Multiple Birth Association
www.twinstrust.org